I’m smart. I don’t
mean to sound arrogant or whathaveyou, it’s just a fact: I’m smart. I do stupid things left and right, but the
core grey matter is there. And I’m
finally coming to terms with that. I’ve
been smart my whole life, but in a state of hazy denial: smart is good for
other people, but it’s not good for me.
Why? Well, in part, because
saying “I’m smart” tends to make me feel as though I’m being arrogant. But now I’m willing to stand on this here
crate and say it loud, say it proud:
I’m smart.
Most people may view this as puny whining, but for a long
time, I felt caught in an intellectual world of torment: smarter than most
other kids, but feeling significantly dumber than all the other kids in the advanced
classes at school. In Pre-Algebra, for
example, the “smart” math class of seventh grade, I was the worst student. It seemed everyone else was sailing by with A’s,
whereas I was struggling to hold on to a C.
I can attribute social awkwardness at that time to being in a perpetual
state of arrested development, but nothing was there to explain to me why I
couldn’t grasp the basic concepts to which my fellow preteens so easily took.
I struggled through smart classes for years, ever more down
on myself for my inability to keep up with the kid sitting at the desk next to
me. At the same time, I refused to let
go of the notion that I was destined for these classes, because I was TOLD I was
smart, so I MUST have been smart.
Because no adult would b.s. a kid like that right? …Right?
My sophomore year of high school, I dropped out of smart
math classes. I barely made it to AP
English senior year. I barely graduated
high school at all, and felt a failure for not living up to my intellectual
potential.
Funny thing about intellectual pursuits. It turns out that most of the ones worth
chasing are the ones they DON’T teach you in elementary, middle, or high
school. I almost had my B.A. before I
found something that made me FEEL smart.
The class was called “The Theory of Criticism,” which may or may not
have been a philosophy class (it depends which department was talking about
it). I didn’t feel smart in this class because
it was easy; I felt smart because it was hard, and it took work, and I GOT IT. That’s a three-sided combo that I had not
before encountered. And I may have
embraced my intelligence with every fiber of my being then, had it not been for
an event which occurred shortly before this class:
The I.Q. test.
I’m the first person to throw up my hands and say that any
intelligence test is just a number on paper, that at the end of the day it
doesn’t mean much, and yet I trusted that test, more than anything, to explain
for me why school had been a world of academic hurt. I don’t know what I was expecting to hear
from the test evaluator, but it certainly wasn’t “153.” As in, my I.Q. is 153. Roughly speaking, 100 is average, 120 is gifted,
140 is genius. My score is enough for
Mensa, with enough left over to plant into a mad scientist’s pet rhesus monkey. Which I feel should be flattering, but at the
time, all I could think of was, “If I’m so smart, why have I struggled in
school?”
This led to a minor existential crisis from which I’m only
now beginning to recover. In the months,
years, life changes following the I.Q. test, I doubted the efficacy of my own
brain; someone with an above-genius I.Q. should have been able to handle
trigonometry, no? And if not, what did
that mean? Was I smart but incapable? Were the test results a fluke? If I was so smart, why wasn’t school easier?
The obvious answer to that last question is that being smart
doesn’t make ANYTHING easier. It doesn’t
necessarily make anything harder, either, but it’s ridiculous to expect that
brains are going to make school, life, anything bow to your whim. I earned my B.A. with the average amount of
blood, sweat, and tears. I finished
school with a respectable amount of scarring, but nothing traumatizing. Brains may have helped, but they weren’t the be-all
and end-all. And until recently, I
thought that brains didn’t much matter anymore.
But now, with all the thinking and reading I’ve been doing
lately (philosophy, theology, math, history), all of it on my own terms, without
grades or classmates to whom I can compare myself, I’m beginning to finally see
how NICE it is to be smart. And to feed
the smart. And maybe, someday, I’ll actually
do something with my smarts. But even if
I don’t, it’s okay, because the important thing is that I’m comfortable with
the ol’ grey matter upstairs.
In a sharp lesson of “don’t take things too seriously,” I
feel obliged to point out that when I took the I.Q. test, I didn’t KNOW I was
taking an I.Q. test. The short answer
is, I thought I was taking a test to determine my mental state. For example, for the first test, I was shown
one picture at a time, and I had to say what was missing from each
picture. The first picture was a white
rabbit with only one ear. The
appropriate answer is, “The rabbit is missing an ear.” However, I figured that if I said something
like, “THERE’S NO BLOOD ON THE BUNNY,” it would indicate something about my
psychological makeup. Only after the
ages-long test was done did I understand what had taken place. Which strikes me as very odd, because it’s
pretty obvious, in retrospect, what was going on.
Consider it proof that a person’s I.Q. isn’t necessarily reflective
of their commonsense. Nor is it
reflective of one’s ability to ace an algebra test. An algebra test which I would still, to this
day, probably fail. But that’s
okay. Because I’m still smart.